Season's Greetings 2010 from Greenwich, London via Red Hook, Brooklyn

In the past I have simply recalled and commented on the more amusing events of the year. This time, however, the pithy statements and succinct ironies told the story all on their own.

Amy (and John)

This year in being a landlord, things I’ve heard -- things I’ve said:

“I thought that a no smoking building only meant cigarettes”
“I parked my gigantic gas guzzling SUV in your parking space in a private lot because it didn’t look like you were using it and I resent you questioning me like this”
“So, my friends that have AIDS get their apartments paid for by the government “ -- “There are a lot of directions that this conversation could go in and I am deeply disturbed by all of them”
“My unemployment check isn’t enough to pay the rent, so you should make the apartment more affordable”
--“Apparently you cannot be taught how to lock the front door much less do it with any consistency. I completely forgot that you are an amoeba.”
“My heating bills are too high and no I won’t learn how to shut the windows (see above re: amoeba)”
--“Yes, the City of New York will fine you if you get the garbage layout wrong, so don’t even think about putting your empties in with your pizza boxes despite the undeniable and festive logic”

This year in figure skating my most notable quotables:

“You may never take Floyd off the rink music system for Miley Cyrus”
“You may never ever take Led Zep off the rink music system for any reason “
“You’re absolutely right sir, repeated flash photography of your little princess while walking around on the ice in your street shoes during a training session shouldn’t be an issue. I must be a personality disordered control freak.”
“What did it cost to pass Silver Moves in The Field? A fortune, my sanity and any respect my coach may have had for me”
“You don’t seriously expect me to get out of here after judging 5 year olds without security and an armoured vehicle”
“OMG I have to move my arms AND my legs at the same time?”
“I know what it says, but am I really supposed to do all that s**t in 2 minutes?”

This year in home improvement & relocation back to the UK:

Don’t resurface a black driveway at midday in the summer in thin soled shoes.
Put the electric hedge trimmer down before jumping from the retaining wall.
No one in England can figure out how to use a ladder, so that’s why black mould is left on the ceilings.
Air fresheners are a reasonable substitute for basic hygiene (environmental, personal, etc.)
Your neighbour’s dog is even more suspicious of you than before.
Wood fence preservative never really is the same colour as anything found in nature. So I don’t know why they bother calling it oak, or cedar, or maple... when sludge, agent orange or sulfur dioxypolythianimide are equally as enticing and more accurate.
If you put food out for the birds they just come to expect it, and definitely take it out on your car if you stop. Kinda like the government.

heh,heh. Have a healthy and happy (or the best you can do under the circumstances) 2011!